The Real Scoop on the Grass on the Other Side of the Fence

Having gracefully accepted the reality that I am a "senior citizen," I am finding it easier to look back on my life. I made my share of mistakes and then a few in addition to those. 

Until now, I would not allow myself the luxury of "looking back." Earlier in my life, when I did, I would start beating myself up for not having done this or not having done that. Only now do I fully understand that if we do not venture into unknown territory... into situations in which we are almost clueless as to how to handle the situations, we will never learn anything about surviving and succeeding in life. If we never venture out of our comfort zone, out of fear of failing or making a mistake, we  will never have the possibility to grow in stature or in wisdom. If, throughout our lives, we only undertake to do the sure thing, eventually, we will indeed look back on our lives, however with regret and remorse at what our life might have become had we had had just a bit more chutzpah.

Which brings me to some brief thoughts on that old saw about the grass which is supposedly greener on the other side of the fence. First of all, after awhile, it is perfectly normal for us to begin to believe that the life someone else lives is richer or fuller than the one we are living. No matter how good our life is, as time goes on, it can become very routine and predictable. When that happens, we begin to look out into the world. We observe other people who look like they are happier or richer or more successful than we believe we are. 

In our media saturated world, the "beautiful people" and the power-brokers are paraded before us. We are given virtual tours of their "Better Homes and Gardens" homes. We get to look inside their tantalizingly glitzy lives. We see them exercising power and influence. We envy their fame and their accomplishments. Secretly, we want what they have, even though we have no idea at what it would cost us to transform our own lives into one like their lives. 

We never really know much about the reality of the lives of the apparently rich, famous and powerful people we read about in the magazines or see on the television set. But there were times in my life, when it would have never entered my mind to look behind the facades of the "golden people" I wanted to be like. I just knew that their lives looked so much better and more interesting than mine, that I wanted to be just like them. 

I wanted to be as smart and brilliant as my older brother. I wanted to have the knack to make a lot of money, seemingly with ease, like my middle brother. I wanted to be famous as an author like some of the great writers I admired. All the while, I had no clue about what price each of those people had to pay for being that person, not did I have any sense about what his or her life was actually like. . 

Worse yet, I was so busy trying to be like someone else, I spent little time figuring out who I was, what I wanted out of my life and what I really enjoyed doing. Talk about going down the wrong road. As you might expect, for many years, I was not a very happy person nor did I like myself very much. 

I was able to turn things around when I realized that there were a lot of really good things about my life and the wonderful people with whom I shared my life. Somewhere along the way, I had this epiphany that whether or not the grass on the other side of the fence was actually greener than the grass on my side, I wanted it to be greener. I needed it to be greener. This happens to a lot of people. Anyway, I wasted a lot of time chasing the wrong dreams and aspirations, as a result of my folly. 

The time I lost is gone. What I do with the time I have left is something over which I can have some control. Now I know that nothing that I observe out there in the world is ever exactly what it seems to be or as good as I think it is. Nor is it usually as bad as I suspect it is. So now when I have those odd moments when I begin to envy what someone else possesses or has accomplished, I do a reality check. I remind myself that nothing in this life is free. 

Now I know that I have the freedom to wish for anything I want to possess or to become. However, when I  do indulge in that dangerous pursuit, I need to be very careful about the things I wish for. I am who I am and the the things that other people have or want to be may not be the things that I really want for myself. 

These days I make the time to simply check out exactly how green that grass is over there, before I covet it. Using that strategy, I save myself a lot of unnecessary grief. 

When is It My Turn to Be Whom I can Be?

"When is it finally going to be my turn to be the person I was meant to be?"

Now that is a question. We ask ourselves that question from the time we are children until the moment we die. And for most of us, the answer we get is never quite satisfactory.

While we are children and in our early teens, our parents control our lives. They set the boundaries and limit the extent to which we can do our own thing. We chafe at the constraints on our lives and we can't wait until we can leave home and live on our own.

So when it is time to head off for college, we leap feet first into the world. But when we get there, it isn't exactly what we thought we would find. There are still constraints on our options, only we have substituted the university for our parents. We have a lot more latitude in deciding what we are going to do or when we are going to do it. But now the onus is more and more on us to make our lives work, and at that stage of our lives we don't fully understand the rules of the game... the game of life... the treacherous game of relationships... the game of sexual exploration... the game of becoming a success. And at that point we don't even comprehend what it means to be successful or the price we might have to pay for being successful. Nothing is clear cut anymore and the possibiliy that we might screw up royally is very real.

Most of us survive that particular right of passage, meet our one and only, get married and maybe have kids. Once again we ask the question, "When is it going to be my time?" But bills have got to be paid. Our time becomes scarcer and the time to do the things we personnaly want to do, gets lost in taking the kids to soccer practice or to school, going to some social event because your significant wants to go, having to work overtime because a project has to be finished by deadline, and so on.

So when the kids grow up and graduate from college, is it our time then? No. There will simply be another set of challenges and problems and demands on our time.

And then it will be time to take care of our parents when they get old and can no longer take care of themselves. The sand is running out in the hourglass and we still haven't been allowed to occupy the center of the universe for even a short time. Our lives continue to be about someone else who we have to take care of. There never seem to be enough hours in the day and it seems increasingly like that with each passing year.

And then we get old, and the possiblilties wither away and die.

At least that is how it might seem to us. The reality is probably that it will never be purely our time to be whom we might be. We never get 100 per cent or even 80 per cent of what we want in life. That is not how the world works. And we do not make it in the world on our own. Many people along the way have helped us and made it possible for us to achieve the successes we enjoy. Other people impact our lives and we impact the lives of others. Picture billiard balls on a pool table. One ball strikes another and sends the second ball in a diffeent direction than it was going in the first place. Each of us is a billiard ball of sorts and our lives take the circuitous route it takes, because we are changed by the people we meet and the events of our respective lives. The accidental collisions with other people shape and form us.

We live our lives as part of a larger family or group. For none of us is it ever "our time" because we are forced by circumstances to share our meager resources of time or talent and sometimes money with other people. Our lives are about "... you and me and us together."

Believing that there is an actual answer to the question, "When is it my turn?": is one of illusions to which we cling fiercely. The world in which that question might be answered does not exist.

It is never any one person's time to be. However, if we are very fortunate, we will find someone to share our lives and then it will be "Our Time," to grow and to find support and love and joy together. It takes a long time to fully digest that fact. But when we do, life can become very good for us and each day becomes quality time with the people who are really important to us.

At the End of the Day... Random Thoughts

First Thought

Does money really make the world go round?

Yes. Some people will say that it does not take money to be happy. But it is truer than any of us want to believe that money makes the world go round. Having money, even a lot of it, may not guarantee that you will be happy or contented with your life. Lacking money for essential things and living in survival mode from day to day, will certainly make life more difficult and make being a happy person more difficult. How can one have any self-esteen and self-respect if there is not enough money in the bank to move beyond just financial survival? Believing in G'd will take one only so far. From my perspective, relying on the kindness of strangers would probably get pretty old very soon.

Okay, to get the green stuff we will have to make compromises. In fact, there will be times that we are expected to be absolutely selfless. But how many of us are capable of being a Mother Teresa? Not many. Most of us have to struggle with weighing our own self-interest against the interests and needs of others. Besides which, if we are unable to provide for our own essential needs first, how are we ever going to be able to step away from our own lives and focus on the genuine needs of others.

At the end of the day, we do what we have to do and accept the difficult choices and disappointments that go with doing that. Except for the fortunate few who end up making great money and doing what they love to do, the rest of us would do well to make the best of the hand we are dealt, with regard to money. Whatever hand we are dealt, it will never be as bad as it could be or as good as we would like it to be. And that is the reality.

Thought Two

Making a difference... what difference does it make if I do or don't?

Even late in the game, I still believe that it is important to make a difference in our communities and in the world. Maybe we can't stop the insanity, the unsettling indifference, the violence and the injustices we witness every day. But by our commitment to making a difference, we can help to make the life of even just one person more bearable and more hopeful. True, we are keeping the wolves of desperation, war, hatred and prejudice at bay for just one more day. However, that may be all that keeps mankind from completely destroying this world today. If you think about it, today is all that we ever really have, with any certainty. And maybe in the process, we can redeem ourselves, because none of us are without misdeeds or omissions.

Kick-Starting Myself Out of the Doldrums

With my life moving neither backwards or forward, I struggle to find the right question I should be asking myself at this point. As always, it is the questions we ask ourselves rather than the answers we come up with that is most critical. The wrong question or the irrelevant question only serves to delay a resolution.

So I know I need to make some critical decisions and important changes in the way I live my life. Something needs to be done. A lovely word, something. The trick is to move from the indefinite something to the concrete notion of a specific plan of action.

What issues are holding me back? I start with a random list of the real issues confronting me right now. I have to distill that list into an understanding of the challenge that confronts me at the moment. And I need to prioritize so that I channel my efforts into dealing with the most important of these issues.

How should I proceed from here and now? I need to strategize. Lay out a game plan. I must make sure in my own mind that this has a chance of working... that is not just a wishful strategy that ill-fits the person that I am and the way I think and the way I function best.

I will need to unclutter my mind [and my life] and not allow myself to be distracted from the task at hand. And then I will have to take the first step. And then the next step. And stay focused until the momentum is carrying me towards a time when I have solved this set of problems and can now move on to the next set of problems, with a renewed confidence and resolve and a forward momentum that will allow me to keep moving forward again, instead of just marching in place or losing ground.

Before I initiate the plan, I have to ask one more question. What have I been doing that has caused me to shoot myself in the foot time after time? A brief moment of introspection is a good thing here. What habits do I have that prevent me from achieving success in what I try to do? Without devoting a huge amount of time to take a hard look at myself, I need to answer these questions and take a quick note of what I have rediscovered about myself. It will only help if I write my findings down and keep the observations in a place I can find them as I carry out my plans... to remind myself about where I don't want to go and what I don't want to do yet one more time.

Then it is time to do whatever I have to do.

Lost and Found

Drifting. I am drifting through my life at the moment, wherever the stream will take me. The rudder of my life seems to have a mind of its own. I find myself waiting for something to happen that gives me a clue as to what I should be doing next in my life. What exactly am I looking for? Something like an overhanging branch which I can grab and use to pull myself on the dry land at a place where I feel that I should be... where I feel I belong.

For the moment, I am lost and drifting. But I am keeping my eyes and ears... all my senses alert and aware of everything that is happening about me. I will find that something which I can grab onto... which will enable me to get my bearings once more. I desperately need to find that time and place. And I will, in time. That is something I must find for myself, because I am very tired of the fact that I am still drifting through my life.

On the Other Hand

I used to believe that I absolutely needed to be passionate about something in my life... a hobby, a cause, my writing... something. I based that belief on the logic that without that passion, there would be something missing in my life. I did not always reside in the real world and I sometimes neglected very important matters... but I felt vividly alive.

And then, as life sometimes happens, a series of eye-opening events brought me back down to earth. I was forced to rejoin the real world and to finally grow up. Suddenly, being passionate occasionally became something of a distraction. My thoughts began to be focused on making money and belatedly setting aside a nest egg for my retirement, which is just around the corner. I had to come to terms with the financial mess I had put myself into. So I had little time for my passions. I had become pragmatic and practical. As I had hoped would be the case, people began to see me as more solid and focused. I no longer felt that I had to justify my existence to other people and I was treated with the beginnings of respect. So my life was significantly better in that regard. But now there was something missing.

I found myself in the same position as Jack, in Jack and the Beanstalk. I was doing my best to escape the giant, as I was sliding down the beanstalk back to earth. Halfway down, I looked up and realized I would miss the danger and the excitement of that adventure. I looked down at my home and my family and I also realized that I missed what I had there. Somehow I wanted to exist in between the two poles of my existence. But I know that being able to find that balance in life is difficult to achieve and even more difficult to sustain.

For a time, I haven't written very much. I would not make the time to do that. I was in that mode of "...and miles to go before I sleep."

If you have read this blog and my other blog, insidemyworldhfireman.blogspot.com, you would know that I feel passionately that somehow part of my destiny is to be a writer, if only the writer of a weblog. I make a small difference in the world by being creative and sharing with the world my take on things. So I sense that it is important for me to set some time aside for writing.

In my journey, I am at that point at which I am figuring out a little better how life works and understanding what usually does not work well in the end. I also know very well that just knowing what choices I should be making will not guarantee that I make the right choices or the best choices for me.

I will have to pick and choose carefully how I fill out each day. Some days I will have to be more of the solid, practical soul. Other days I will have the luxury of giving into my whims and passions. Hopefully, I will have acquired the wisdom to know best when to do one thing or the other... to find that elusive balance in our lives that all of us should be striving to find.

One thing is certainly true. There is nothing we will ever choose to do or say that will not impact someone else. We will continually be impacted by what other people do. So it would seem that striking a balance in our days is important not just to us but to the larger world beyond that of our individual lives.

Living on the edge and living dangerously and passionately feels amazing... thrilling... exhilarating. One should remember, however, that living on the edge is much akin to falling in love. In both cases, one lives through the equivalent of a self-induced high. And when "the honeymoon period" ends, we turn back into the person we were before our escape from reality. That can be an awful moment or a moment like any other. How it does turn out will all depend on how well we have been able to keep things in context, never losing sight of what we practically need to be doing to keep life on an even keel.

Thankfully, I am doing just that now. My head is clear. I am using this window of opportunity to indulge myself and do some writing. My life is still good. I am pleased that you were here to share this moment with me.

Kindest regards,

Howard Fireman

State of Mind - May 7, 2007

First Random Thought

Anymore, I just don't have much time to veg out watching television. There are too many things I have to do or that I really want to do. So I don't see much point to wasting my time in front of the boob tube. And I definitely have no need for a 52" big screen tv set.

Another Random Thought

Marilyn and I were at the art museum yesterday. In the gift shop, we saw a lot of really neat stuff and some really beautiful objects. Cleverly designed notebooks or nightlights that revealed beautiful works of art when plugged in. And Marilyn found the jewelry section, with all sorts of tempting necklaces and earrings. But we didn't buy anything.

There is only a finite amount of space in our small apartment and we know we couldn't cram one more thing in, even if we wanted to.