At the End of the Day...

A Fictional Conversation...

Bernie Watson pushed himself very hard. He wanted to be the best, the top dog in whatever he endeavored to do. And some days, the things he tried to do worked out just as he expected them to. And, as very often happens in life, some days there were glitches, and his efforts fell short of his very high expectations, either by a lot or perhaps just a little. Bernie was not a person you wanted to be around when things did not proceed as planned. At times like that, Bernie could become a very difficult person.

Bernie was a twenty-something. He still believed that he was going to conquer the world of television production in a huge way and that by the age of thirty, he will have made his first million dollars. His birthday was approaching in a few days. He was already 26 years old and he wasn't even close to that first million. All his plans to make his mark at work were unravelling, as well. AlStarr Productions was buying out the company for which he worked. Everyone was edgy because the corporate cultures of the two companies could not have been more different. There was a strong possibility that only a few people in his department would stay on with the new company and the rest would be cut loose.

His anxiety grew with each passing day. The uncertainty of the situation was wearing him down and he had become increasing testy and irritable. Losing gracefully had never been never been an acceptable option for him.

Two days before his birthday, he got home late. He hadn't been able to concentrate on the current project that day. He had been very distracted and even the simplest task took twice as long as it usually took him to do. He had gotten everything on the agenda done, but it was seven o'clock before he walked into his apartment.

He set his briefcase down on the coffee table and hung up his jacket on the coat rack. He walked over the fridge and took out a bottle of white wine. He took a wine glass that was suspended from the rack in the kitchen and poured himself a glass of the Sauvignon Blanc and walked over to the couch. He sat down on the very expensive leather couch and slowly sipped the wine.

"Damn it!" he cursed. He was frustrated and angry and unhappy and upset, all at the same time. And things were so muddled in his head that he could not even begin to sort things out. In fact, he had not been able to think straight for a few days now.

"You have got to pull yourself together, man," he told himself.

He reached for the phone and dialed Paul's number. He and Paul had known each other since forever. They had roomed together at college and had competed with each other to see who could get the best marks, who could get into the most prestigious honor societies... and later who could be the bigger success in his chosen field.

Paul had become a teacher. Bernie had never understood that. What was the future in becoming a teacher. A guy graduates from college and then ends up working his butt off for peanuts. Bernie figured that Paul had lost his competitive edge and had settled for something less in life. Go figure that one out. That was not the Paul he had known for so many years.

Paul picked up his phone and recognized the phone number from caller ID. "Hey, big guy. How the hell are you?"

Bernie answered a little irritably, "I hate the fact that you are always so damn cheerful."

Paul paused. "Okay. What is going on Bernie?"

"Paul, I need to talk to you. Everything is falling apart. My company is being bought out and I don't know what this is going to mean for me." Bernie stopped for a moment to collect his thoughts. "Paul, I have worked my behind off to make all the right moves. I was in line for a major promotion... and now this. Right now, my brain is so fried that I can't even think straight."

"Are you going to be home for awhile, Bernie?"

"Yeah, I'll be here all night," Bernie answered.

"Okay, stay put and I'll be over as soon as I can change clothes. You have some wine there or do I need to bring a bottle with me?" asked Paul.

"I do have about half a bottle of white wine, so you had better pick up another on the way."

"Will do. See you in a few," said Paul, just before he ended the call.

About thirty minutes later, Paul arrived, carrying a long narrow brown bag. He went into the kitchen and stuck the bottle of wine into the fridge to chill.

He sat down on the couch. "Talk to me, Bernie."

Bernie filled him in on all the details of what was happening at work. Paul already knew that because of Bernie's competitive nature, Bernie would become easily irritated when his carefully constructed plans were not working out. This was a really dicey situation and he had no patience with what was unfolding in his life. This was not the way he had planned things to happen for himself.

Paul listened to him very quietly. Paul had changed over the last couple of years since he had received his Masters Degree in English Literature. He had discovered that there were more important goals in life than just "winning." He had been teaching at the high school level. Paul had discovered that it was just as important to make a difference in this world. So he had mellowed a bit and now saw life from a very different perspective.

"Bernie, how long have I known you? I have know you since we were in junior high. And you are the same guy now as you were then. To you, every plan you make is written in stone. And if you make plans, by G'd, that is the way things are going to play out. Right?" Paul asked him.

"Yeah. So?"

"You are almost 27 years old, guy. Since you started playing in the real world, what have you learned?" Paul asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Bernie... Just because you want things to play themselves out according to your plans, doesn't mean it will happen just that way. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. And even when things do work out in your favor, you never get everything you wanted, do you? Right now, you have to look at your present situation and do a serious reality check. You have to add the proviso of 'All things being equal...' to anything you are thinking."

Bernie was frustrated and angry about the situation. Everything that Paul was saying seemed only to add oil to the fire inside of him. "This should not be happening to me. I made all the right moves. I worked my ass off. I worked smart. I aligned myself with the right people. Damn it! This should not be happening to me."

Paul countered, "Open your eyes, buddy. It did and it is happening to you right now. The question now is what are going to do about this? What choices are you going to make for yourself? And maybe you should be asking yourself what you really want from your life now. You have had an opportunity to play in the fast lane. Do you like it there? Is it fun?"

Bernie blew up. "Is it fun? IS IT FUN? Hell no, it isn't fun. It is like walking a tightrope everyday and trying not to fall off. I have to be at the top of my game every day... every day... every hour... every minute. One slip and your head is one the chopping block. But it is a rush. Just to be able to stay on my feet and to keep going when others are being shown the door... That is a rush." He seemed to have recovered his composure.

"Bernie, what are you trying to accomplish in your career? What is the most important thing you want to happen?"

"I want to be in top level management by the time I am thirty with a seven-figure income. I want to become one of the most influential guys in the entertainment game," Bernie answered without hesitation. He may have been uncertain about some things, but that was not one of those things. This he knew with a certainty.

"And that would make you a winner in your estimation? That would make you happy?"

"You got it."

Paul studied Bernie for a moment. "Do you like what you are doing? Are you happy with the way your life is going? When you get up in the morning, what motivates you to get your ass out of bed and get dressed and go to work? Because you like your job and the kind of work you do?"

Bernie asked sarcastically, "Okay teach, is this some kind of a test."

In a very serious tone, Paul answered, "It is indeed."

"Come on, Paul. Give me a break. That is all a lot psychobabble."

"Bernie, these are really important questions. You never understood why I went into teaching. While I was getting my masters degree, I began to change. I began to understand that there was more at stake in what I was going to be doing than just winning one promotion after another or making more and more money over time."

"Like what."

"Well for one thing, I was tired of having my stomach in knots, stressing out whether I was still number one. After awhile, being number one ceased to mean so much to me. I just wanted to do the best that I was capable of doing, under the circumstances," explained Paul.

"Now you are starting to think like a loser," chided Bernie.

"No, I am most certainly not." Paul continued, "After awhile, being numero uno ceased to be fun anymore. All it meant was that I constantly found myself looking over my shoulder, to see if there was someone out there trying to shoot me down. I did not want to live that way anymore. I wanted my life to be something better, something more fulfilling... something more than that."

"Listen, Paul. I don't think it is all that important that I need to like what I am doing. Or that I am inspired at work or that I am head over heels happy when I am doing my work. When there is this project in front of me, that is all that matters. And I am the guy who will push it through on time and on schedule and on budget. And any man or woman on my team had better be willing to do whatever it is going to take to make sure that happens. That is what I do. No one does it better. And no one gets paid more than I do. I rule, man. I rule.." This had all tumbled out of Bernie's mouth and he just stopped to catch his breath.

"Fine!" responded Paul. "You are the man! But are you doing this just to show everyone that you are the man... or because you actually believe you are accomplishing something worthwhile?"

"Irrelevant."

"Is it, Paul? At the end of the day, do you feel like you have accomplished something of importance?"

"That is not for me to decide, damn it. Give me a project and I can guarantee that it is going to get done right."

Paul looked incredulously at his friend. "Do you hear yourself? Your company assigned you the task of getting a block of crappy reality shows up and running last year. You did it in record time. Now that is really something to be proud of... yeah, just great. Bernie, when you graduated, you were going to change the world. Is making your company the reality show kings of television the way you are going to do that?"

"That is not fair. Those shows have been the top money makers for the company. It was just a business decision. Nothing more. Besides which, I am just giving the public what it wants. Don't blame me if the public is incredibly shallow. I do not set the standards."

Paul laughed. "I look at the kids in my class. I see such promise and potential. I try to get them to understand that they need to set the benchmark for their lives a lot higher than the lowest common denominator. And when I spark something in these kids, I know that something really amazing... something really important has happened. When I get them to believe in themselves and that they can do really good things with their lives, I feel like I have accomplished something. Yeah, I work long hours. But at the end of the day, I still like myself and at least I believe in what I am doing. Tell me, Paul, do really believe in what you are doing? Or are you satisfied to put out shlock, just so long as there are big bucks in your paycheck."

"Damn right. And that is so terrible, because...? Look at the people I run with. Look at where I live and the car I am driving... and the car you drive and where you live.." snapped Bernie. He let the challenge just sort of hang in the air.

Paul did not dignify the challenge with a defensive answer. In a very cool tone and very calmly Paul finally responded, "It is a good thing I am your friend, because if I weren't, I would just kick your butt right now. Life is not about the power you wield or the amount of money you make. I wouldn't give a damn if you made ten times what I am making, which you probably are. If all you are doing these days is squandering your life trying to prove to the world that are the Man... that you are this really important person and you are going to dazzle everyone with your car and your expensive apartment and your status... if that is the person you have become, then, as your friend, I am truly saddened." Paul fell silent for a moment.

"Bernie, I have a really good life. I have built rich relationships with my wife and my friends... with my colleagues. I enjoy my work and I really feel like I am somehow impacting people in an important way. I like my life. What kind of life do you have? You have only what you possess... power, money.... things... just things. and for the most part you are alone these days. You have never liked the people you work with. You have no significant other in your life. No girl is ever good enough for you and for a very long time now, you haven't been happy, even after your big successes at the studio."

"Shut up, Paul. You are so full of crap."

"You know what? I will take my life any day over yours." returned Paul. "Remember this. You called me tonight to help you work through this. If you already have all the answers, I might as well go home and leave you to figure things out."

There was a long silence. then Bernie turned around and in a subdued voice said, "Please Paul. Don't leave just yet." Another awkward pause. Then with a very pained expression on his face, Bernie continued, "I am very sorry if I have treated you badly tonight. Truthfully, I am not really happy with the way things have turned out. There are days I really don't like what I am doing. It is just that I don't know how to fix things in my life. I know what I have to do every day at work, but I don't really know anymore why I am doing it. It's like I am on autopilot or something and just sort of going through the motions, trying not to think too hard about it... Every day I put on a face so no one will know what I am thinking or feeling. You know, never let them see you sweat. And so long as my check keeps getting bigger and it clears the bank, that sort of dulls the pain I am feeling. " Bernie finished his speech and just stared off into evening in the city just beyond the large windows of his condo.

Bernie had known for a quite awhile that there was something in his life didn't feel right. He had not been willing to confront his gut feelings. Tonight, Paul had pushed him into finally admitting what he had been feeling for a very long time. He felt really emotionally drained now, but he also felt like a huge load had been taken off of his shoulders. He had finally admitted aloud what he had been unwilling to admit even to himself.

Bernie turned to look at Paul, with a deep sadness in his eyes. He had just rejected a lot of what he had valued for most of his life. Now, he found himself on very uncertain ground. "So what happens now? What am I supposed to do now, Paul?"

"Get some help, Bernie. Figure out what you want to do next. It is not going to be easy, but you are going to get through this. You will figure things out. But you are going to need some help, and that's okay. And I will be here for you, buddy. You need me, just call."

"What if I lose my job?"

"There are other jobs... other opportunities out there. And maybe you can't see it just just yet, but this situation at work, as bad as it looks right now, may be one of the best opportunities you will have to fix your life. Just don't freak out. Keep your cool and just take things one day at a time. Deal with things as they come. Bernie. This is all going to work itself out, one way or another. "

"You aren't bullshitting me, are you, Paul?"

"No, Bernie. I believe every word I am telling you."

Bernie extended his hand to Paul and they shook hands. "I owe you big-time, guy."

Paul said quietly, "You would have done the same thing for me." Paul looked at his watch. "Anyway, I have classes tomorrow. I am going to head out now. Just take things one day and a time and deal with whatever happens as it comes at you, okay?"

"Yeah, that's what I will do. Give my regards to Terri."

Paul grabbed his jacket and opened the front door. "Goodnight, Bernie." He closed the door behind him.

A couple of minutes later, Bernie watched Paul's car pull away from the building and drive off into the night. Probably for the first time in his life, he didn't have a clue where the future would eventually take him. But in time he would find out. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day and it was time to get some sleep. He locked the front door, turned out the lights in the living room and the kitchen. For the first time in a very long time, he was going to be able to get a good night's sleep. That, in itself, was a very good start in moving on.