Feel Something... Anything

Every moment of every day of my life, I am very much aware of what I am feeling at the moment. I have good moments and moments that are truly painful or awful. The the only times that I feel fear of any kind are when I am just numb, immobilized by a mental gridlock. I used to go through cycles of serious depression, so those moments of numbness have a special significance for me. That is a place to which I definitely do not want to go.

So now, even in the worst times of my life, I fight off the deadening of my senses. In the best of times, I allow myself to be vulnerable, to be happy, to be exultant, to be a little bit crazy if the mood strikes me. In bad times I rage, I get angry, I yell, I cry, and when I am able to pull it off, I force myself to be calm and rational... I refuse to give into despair or hopelessness. What I know to be true is that even the worst of times will eventually pass, just so long as I don't give up on myself and my life.

Something you all who are reading this posting can do is to check out the list below. When life is just terrifically good or when life delivers you lemons... do what I do: select one of the emotions listed below and give in to the impulse to feel that emotion. Pick any particular one which seems to fit the occasion and just let yourself go. Don't worry about what others might think about where you are going with your feelings. When it comes to feelings, there are no politically right or wrong answers. Just go with the flow, because how else are you going to know you are still alive and kicking, unless you do?

[Note: This list was culled from an advertisement in tne November, 2005 issue of RealSimple.]

Still Standing After All That Has Happened... Amazing!

More and more, I have begun to take it for granted that, at the end of the day, things will have worked out for me yet one more time. To take anything for granted like that is a dangerous thing to do. If anything, I should be continually amazed that I am still among the people in this world who is still standing upright, in the face of all the adversity I will encounter in life.

More often than not, life presents us with unexpected surprises and daunting challenges. For any of us, it is no mean feat just to get through each day. And yet most of us do just that. How do we do that, without falling apart in the process? Where do we find the strength to move past the next obstacle obstructing our way... and then the one that presents itself after that? Why is it that so often we are blessed because someone is looking out for us? That is not the case for everyone in this world. Why are we allowed to be accounted among the people who are fortunate in this regard?

I don't have answers to any of these questions. I am beginning to believe that to a certain extent it is just the luck of te draw. Some people are lucky. Some are not. I only know that each of us should be utterly amazed that we are alive and hopefully well at the end of this particular day.

This is a pretty dangerous world. One suspects it has always been a dangerous world. Only in the past, we weren't being bombarded from every side by the media, reminding just how dangerous a place it is. And yet somehow most of the time, we are able to avoid the many sorts of catastrophes that could befall us. Something of the "There but for the grace of G'd, go I..." thing.

Sometimes we are unable to dodge the bullet and shit happens to even us. On Jan 3rds of this year, I fell asleep at the wheel and totaled my car. That's the bad news. Shaken though I was, I walked away from the crash with only a few bruises. That's the good news. And hey, most of us in the world do not have to live in Baghdad or any of the other cities in Iraq. That's good news too. So no matter how crappy we think our life may be, most of the billions of people in the world just have to keep things in perspectives.

There is a prayer that goes something like this: Thank you, G'd, for allowing me to get to this day. I would add to this line: ... in one piece. I advocate that every one of us needs to always be just a bit amazed that our life is so blessed... that our lives are filled with people who love us and whom we love... that we are actually able to realize so many of our ambitions and goals... that we are allowed to be healthy and to find a measure of happiness in life... that for the most part, our lives are as good as they are.

I am not saying that any of us should become foolishly overly idealistic. I am only saying that we should never become too jaded about our good fortune in life. That good fortune is a gift, something to be treasured and richly appreciated. What we must always remind ourselves is to feel amazement that our lives are so rich and good and that for some reason, we are one of the lucky ones, still standing upright at the end of the day.

Living With Less... A Most UnAmerican Impulse

These days I occasionally feel like one of those guys who may be undermining the very foundations of our civilization and economy.

I don't mean that I want to overthrow the government or anything like that. Neither am I a religious fanatic. Rather, I just want to simplify my life. I sometimes just want to get rid of many of my accumulated "treasures" and supposed symbols of status [of which I don't have very many of the latter.] Why? Because my apartment and my life is cluttered with a lot of stuff that no longer has any significance or value to me anymore. I like living in the present and surrounding myself with those things and people who are still very important and significant to me.

You ask, how in the world could wanting to do that be a subversive act? Not a mystery. The American economy and now the world economy depends on everyone buying lots of things, constantly. And the economy is only seen to be doing well if the level of our consumption keeps increasing over time. And things are seen to be really great if we continue to indulge ourselves in the orgy of mindless consumption of goods and services and a lot of really useless stuff.

We are taught that this is the land of liberty and that we are free to make our own choices and generally to shape our lives pretty much as we please. That is only partly true. We are a free society, to be sure. But we are confronted by our own kind of propaganda which is usually pretty blatant and less than subtle. We are merchandized to death by the advertisers trying to get us to buy everything from overbuilt luxury automobiles to toilet paper. And these ubiquitous ads have even become a form of entertainment. I will give you a very good example of that. The Superbowl will be on television this Sunday. What part of that event do most people look forward to? The new advertisements that are trotted out during that game. Does that not seem a little bizarre? It certainly does to me. Ah, well! Only in America!

Please don't get me wrong. Like most other people I really do like nice things. My favorite "Nice thing" is to go out to a really good restaurant for dinner, even if it costs an arm and a leg. It is just that with regard to all the stuff we buy... well, these things begin to take over our lives. The big questions of my life have become, "Where can I put another book? Where can I put this new cd? Where can we squeeze in the 84" big screen television set? How can I work it so I can still afford to buy that new SUV?" You know, the cosmic questions of our lives.

I don't want to get rid of everything and just start from scratch. Rather, I want to do what my daughters have be admonishing me to do for a long time: to be ruthless as I thin out my possessions. As all of you very well know, that is not an easy thing to do. We justify keeping this or that for one of two reasons. First, I don't want to get rid of item x, because I might need it someday. Second, I really should get rid of that, but it really is sort of a neat thing to have [i.e. I got it at a really good price and I kind of like it and really could not part with it... ever!] Neither justification will hold up in a court of law... believe me.

What is it going to take for me to bite the bullet and get rid of most of this unnecessary junk? First I am going to have to do an inventory of myself and my life and find the answers to a couple of really important questions.

• What is important in my life now, in terms of goals or of things I want to do?
  
• What things do I need to keep, in order to accomplish those goals or to do those things?
  
• What things do I really want and need to keep, to remember where I have been up until now in my life?
  

So when I am willing to honestly answer these questions, I will be able to identify what isn't an elephant. Did I ever tell you how one hunts elephants with a camera on the Serengeti Plain? No? Okay, here is how that goes. Scan the Serengeti Plain for something that is grey and very big and has ears that look like big leaves... and of course which has a very long trunk for a nose, and when you find it, take a picture of it. Forget about the rest of the animals, because they are not what you want to photograph and remember.

Once I have made the decision to honestly answer these questions, I will be able to determine what I really need to keep. The operant word here is "need" as opposed to "want." We want a lot of things, but we actually need only a fraction of the things we want. It will be infinitely easier to focus on the things which are really important to me. I will no longer be caught up in the deadly cycle of mindless consumption and then struggling to pay for my purchases followed by more mindless consumption to feel better about being so deeply in debt.

The very first thing I want to do, now, is to stand up in crowded room and declare, "My name is Howard Fireman and I am addicted to accumulating a lot of essentially useless stuff." From my perspective, mindless consumption of stuff is as much an addiction as is the addiction to drugs, to alcohol or to sex. The only essential difference between these addictions and that of being a dedicated consumer is that the latter is a lot more socially acceptable and actually encouraged by the guys who sell us this junk. After all, if it is good for business, it is good for the country. Isn't it?

When I will have finally made that public declaration, if I can restrain myself from giving in to the siren call of the credit card in my wallet, I will have made a giant step towards simplifying my life. I will have made my life a lot more pleasant and less stressful, by making a very logical, if difficult, decision. Of course, in doing that, I will have become a very suspect and subversive sort of person in the eyes of the fellows on the Congressional Committee for UnAmerican Economic Activities. But I know what works well for me and what doesn't work well for me. I think I will follow my gut instincts and if necessary, I will go underground for awhile, economically speaking. But at least I will be a lot happier in my life.

Some Days, No Matter How Hard You Try, You Just Can't Win

Family Finances... That Part of Family Life We Love to Hate

A family is more than just the sum of the relationships between it's members. A family is even more than a legally binding arrangement among the people who form that family. Like it or not, a family is also a business entity. Like any business, a family must be operated prudently and with careful attention to the financial aspects of the entity.

No one really enjoys this particular aspect of family life. Let's face it. Tending to the business side of the family is demanding work and isn't particularly a lot of fun. Someone in the family is going to have to mind the store, so to speak. Like any job we accept in life, we have to learn how to run our family's financial side. We have to learn how to set budgets, how to handle money and how to properly manage credit accounts. We have to learn how to recognized the avoidable pitfalls. There is a lot to learn and a lot to know, if we are going to successfully accomplish all of these things.

We have to be organized and disciplined in how we run the business. We have to make difficult choices and establish our priorities. And more often than not, the most difficult decisions are the decisions not to spend money on some things we would really like to buy or to do. For most families, we usually are not able to have immediate gratification for the things we want to have. Not only that, we have to focus on the present and also focus on what we will need to have in place in the future, both at the same time. And sometimes someone has to be the bad guy when it comes time to rein things in, when money starts to run short, because that is the point in time when everyone in the family is going to have to make some sacrifices. Making sacrifices with regard to material things is not something that we Americans do willingly.

Running the finances of a family is an important and critical job. It is not a particularly glamorous job, but someone in the family is going to have to do it, if a family is going to survive over the long haul.

At the End of the Day...

A Fictional Conversation...

Bernie Watson pushed himself very hard. He wanted to be the best, the top dog in whatever he endeavored to do. And some days, the things he tried to do worked out just as he expected them to. And, as very often happens in life, some days there were glitches, and his efforts fell short of his very high expectations, either by a lot or perhaps just a little. Bernie was not a person you wanted to be around when things did not proceed as planned. At times like that, Bernie could become a very difficult person.

Bernie was a twenty-something. He still believed that he was going to conquer the world of television production in a huge way and that by the age of thirty, he will have made his first million dollars. His birthday was approaching in a few days. He was already 26 years old and he wasn't even close to that first million. All his plans to make his mark at work were unravelling, as well. AlStarr Productions was buying out the company for which he worked. Everyone was edgy because the corporate cultures of the two companies could not have been more different. There was a strong possibility that only a few people in his department would stay on with the new company and the rest would be cut loose.

His anxiety grew with each passing day. The uncertainty of the situation was wearing him down and he had become increasing testy and irritable. Losing gracefully had never been never been an acceptable option for him.

Two days before his birthday, he got home late. He hadn't been able to concentrate on the current project that day. He had been very distracted and even the simplest task took twice as long as it usually took him to do. He had gotten everything on the agenda done, but it was seven o'clock before he walked into his apartment.

He set his briefcase down on the coffee table and hung up his jacket on the coat rack. He walked over the fridge and took out a bottle of white wine. He took a wine glass that was suspended from the rack in the kitchen and poured himself a glass of the Sauvignon Blanc and walked over to the couch. He sat down on the very expensive leather couch and slowly sipped the wine.

"Damn it!" he cursed. He was frustrated and angry and unhappy and upset, all at the same time. And things were so muddled in his head that he could not even begin to sort things out. In fact, he had not been able to think straight for a few days now.

"You have got to pull yourself together, man," he told himself.

He reached for the phone and dialed Paul's number. He and Paul had known each other since forever. They had roomed together at college and had competed with each other to see who could get the best marks, who could get into the most prestigious honor societies... and later who could be the bigger success in his chosen field.

Paul had become a teacher. Bernie had never understood that. What was the future in becoming a teacher. A guy graduates from college and then ends up working his butt off for peanuts. Bernie figured that Paul had lost his competitive edge and had settled for something less in life. Go figure that one out. That was not the Paul he had known for so many years.

Paul picked up his phone and recognized the phone number from caller ID. "Hey, big guy. How the hell are you?"

Bernie answered a little irritably, "I hate the fact that you are always so damn cheerful."

Paul paused. "Okay. What is going on Bernie?"

"Paul, I need to talk to you. Everything is falling apart. My company is being bought out and I don't know what this is going to mean for me." Bernie stopped for a moment to collect his thoughts. "Paul, I have worked my behind off to make all the right moves. I was in line for a major promotion... and now this. Right now, my brain is so fried that I can't even think straight."

"Are you going to be home for awhile, Bernie?"

"Yeah, I'll be here all night," Bernie answered.

"Okay, stay put and I'll be over as soon as I can change clothes. You have some wine there or do I need to bring a bottle with me?" asked Paul.

"I do have about half a bottle of white wine, so you had better pick up another on the way."

"Will do. See you in a few," said Paul, just before he ended the call.

About thirty minutes later, Paul arrived, carrying a long narrow brown bag. He went into the kitchen and stuck the bottle of wine into the fridge to chill.

He sat down on the couch. "Talk to me, Bernie."

Bernie filled him in on all the details of what was happening at work. Paul already knew that because of Bernie's competitive nature, Bernie would become easily irritated when his carefully constructed plans were not working out. This was a really dicey situation and he had no patience with what was unfolding in his life. This was not the way he had planned things to happen for himself.

Paul listened to him very quietly. Paul had changed over the last couple of years since he had received his Masters Degree in English Literature. He had discovered that there were more important goals in life than just "winning." He had been teaching at the high school level. Paul had discovered that it was just as important to make a difference in this world. So he had mellowed a bit and now saw life from a very different perspective.

"Bernie, how long have I known you? I have know you since we were in junior high. And you are the same guy now as you were then. To you, every plan you make is written in stone. And if you make plans, by G'd, that is the way things are going to play out. Right?" Paul asked him.

"Yeah. So?"

"You are almost 27 years old, guy. Since you started playing in the real world, what have you learned?" Paul asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Bernie... Just because you want things to play themselves out according to your plans, doesn't mean it will happen just that way. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. And even when things do work out in your favor, you never get everything you wanted, do you? Right now, you have to look at your present situation and do a serious reality check. You have to add the proviso of 'All things being equal...' to anything you are thinking."

Bernie was frustrated and angry about the situation. Everything that Paul was saying seemed only to add oil to the fire inside of him. "This should not be happening to me. I made all the right moves. I worked my ass off. I worked smart. I aligned myself with the right people. Damn it! This should not be happening to me."

Paul countered, "Open your eyes, buddy. It did and it is happening to you right now. The question now is what are going to do about this? What choices are you going to make for yourself? And maybe you should be asking yourself what you really want from your life now. You have had an opportunity to play in the fast lane. Do you like it there? Is it fun?"

Bernie blew up. "Is it fun? IS IT FUN? Hell no, it isn't fun. It is like walking a tightrope everyday and trying not to fall off. I have to be at the top of my game every day... every day... every hour... every minute. One slip and your head is one the chopping block. But it is a rush. Just to be able to stay on my feet and to keep going when others are being shown the door... That is a rush." He seemed to have recovered his composure.

"Bernie, what are you trying to accomplish in your career? What is the most important thing you want to happen?"

"I want to be in top level management by the time I am thirty with a seven-figure income. I want to become one of the most influential guys in the entertainment game," Bernie answered without hesitation. He may have been uncertain about some things, but that was not one of those things. This he knew with a certainty.

"And that would make you a winner in your estimation? That would make you happy?"

"You got it."

Paul studied Bernie for a moment. "Do you like what you are doing? Are you happy with the way your life is going? When you get up in the morning, what motivates you to get your ass out of bed and get dressed and go to work? Because you like your job and the kind of work you do?"

Bernie asked sarcastically, "Okay teach, is this some kind of a test."

In a very serious tone, Paul answered, "It is indeed."

"Come on, Paul. Give me a break. That is all a lot psychobabble."

"Bernie, these are really important questions. You never understood why I went into teaching. While I was getting my masters degree, I began to change. I began to understand that there was more at stake in what I was going to be doing than just winning one promotion after another or making more and more money over time."

"Like what."

"Well for one thing, I was tired of having my stomach in knots, stressing out whether I was still number one. After awhile, being number one ceased to mean so much to me. I just wanted to do the best that I was capable of doing, under the circumstances," explained Paul.

"Now you are starting to think like a loser," chided Bernie.

"No, I am most certainly not." Paul continued, "After awhile, being numero uno ceased to be fun anymore. All it meant was that I constantly found myself looking over my shoulder, to see if there was someone out there trying to shoot me down. I did not want to live that way anymore. I wanted my life to be something better, something more fulfilling... something more than that."

"Listen, Paul. I don't think it is all that important that I need to like what I am doing. Or that I am inspired at work or that I am head over heels happy when I am doing my work. When there is this project in front of me, that is all that matters. And I am the guy who will push it through on time and on schedule and on budget. And any man or woman on my team had better be willing to do whatever it is going to take to make sure that happens. That is what I do. No one does it better. And no one gets paid more than I do. I rule, man. I rule.." This had all tumbled out of Bernie's mouth and he just stopped to catch his breath.

"Fine!" responded Paul. "You are the man! But are you doing this just to show everyone that you are the man... or because you actually believe you are accomplishing something worthwhile?"

"Irrelevant."

"Is it, Paul? At the end of the day, do you feel like you have accomplished something of importance?"

"That is not for me to decide, damn it. Give me a project and I can guarantee that it is going to get done right."

Paul looked incredulously at his friend. "Do you hear yourself? Your company assigned you the task of getting a block of crappy reality shows up and running last year. You did it in record time. Now that is really something to be proud of... yeah, just great. Bernie, when you graduated, you were going to change the world. Is making your company the reality show kings of television the way you are going to do that?"

"That is not fair. Those shows have been the top money makers for the company. It was just a business decision. Nothing more. Besides which, I am just giving the public what it wants. Don't blame me if the public is incredibly shallow. I do not set the standards."

Paul laughed. "I look at the kids in my class. I see such promise and potential. I try to get them to understand that they need to set the benchmark for their lives a lot higher than the lowest common denominator. And when I spark something in these kids, I know that something really amazing... something really important has happened. When I get them to believe in themselves and that they can do really good things with their lives, I feel like I have accomplished something. Yeah, I work long hours. But at the end of the day, I still like myself and at least I believe in what I am doing. Tell me, Paul, do really believe in what you are doing? Or are you satisfied to put out shlock, just so long as there are big bucks in your paycheck."

"Damn right. And that is so terrible, because...? Look at the people I run with. Look at where I live and the car I am driving... and the car you drive and where you live.." snapped Bernie. He let the challenge just sort of hang in the air.

Paul did not dignify the challenge with a defensive answer. In a very cool tone and very calmly Paul finally responded, "It is a good thing I am your friend, because if I weren't, I would just kick your butt right now. Life is not about the power you wield or the amount of money you make. I wouldn't give a damn if you made ten times what I am making, which you probably are. If all you are doing these days is squandering your life trying to prove to the world that are the Man... that you are this really important person and you are going to dazzle everyone with your car and your expensive apartment and your status... if that is the person you have become, then, as your friend, I am truly saddened." Paul fell silent for a moment.

"Bernie, I have a really good life. I have built rich relationships with my wife and my friends... with my colleagues. I enjoy my work and I really feel like I am somehow impacting people in an important way. I like my life. What kind of life do you have? You have only what you possess... power, money.... things... just things. and for the most part you are alone these days. You have never liked the people you work with. You have no significant other in your life. No girl is ever good enough for you and for a very long time now, you haven't been happy, even after your big successes at the studio."

"Shut up, Paul. You are so full of crap."

"You know what? I will take my life any day over yours." returned Paul. "Remember this. You called me tonight to help you work through this. If you already have all the answers, I might as well go home and leave you to figure things out."

There was a long silence. then Bernie turned around and in a subdued voice said, "Please Paul. Don't leave just yet." Another awkward pause. Then with a very pained expression on his face, Bernie continued, "I am very sorry if I have treated you badly tonight. Truthfully, I am not really happy with the way things have turned out. There are days I really don't like what I am doing. It is just that I don't know how to fix things in my life. I know what I have to do every day at work, but I don't really know anymore why I am doing it. It's like I am on autopilot or something and just sort of going through the motions, trying not to think too hard about it... Every day I put on a face so no one will know what I am thinking or feeling. You know, never let them see you sweat. And so long as my check keeps getting bigger and it clears the bank, that sort of dulls the pain I am feeling. " Bernie finished his speech and just stared off into evening in the city just beyond the large windows of his condo.

Bernie had known for a quite awhile that there was something in his life didn't feel right. He had not been willing to confront his gut feelings. Tonight, Paul had pushed him into finally admitting what he had been feeling for a very long time. He felt really emotionally drained now, but he also felt like a huge load had been taken off of his shoulders. He had finally admitted aloud what he had been unwilling to admit even to himself.

Bernie turned to look at Paul, with a deep sadness in his eyes. He had just rejected a lot of what he had valued for most of his life. Now, he found himself on very uncertain ground. "So what happens now? What am I supposed to do now, Paul?"

"Get some help, Bernie. Figure out what you want to do next. It is not going to be easy, but you are going to get through this. You will figure things out. But you are going to need some help, and that's okay. And I will be here for you, buddy. You need me, just call."

"What if I lose my job?"

"There are other jobs... other opportunities out there. And maybe you can't see it just just yet, but this situation at work, as bad as it looks right now, may be one of the best opportunities you will have to fix your life. Just don't freak out. Keep your cool and just take things one day at a time. Deal with things as they come. Bernie. This is all going to work itself out, one way or another. "

"You aren't bullshitting me, are you, Paul?"

"No, Bernie. I believe every word I am telling you."

Bernie extended his hand to Paul and they shook hands. "I owe you big-time, guy."

Paul said quietly, "You would have done the same thing for me." Paul looked at his watch. "Anyway, I have classes tomorrow. I am going to head out now. Just take things one day and a time and deal with whatever happens as it comes at you, okay?"

"Yeah, that's what I will do. Give my regards to Terri."

Paul grabbed his jacket and opened the front door. "Goodnight, Bernie." He closed the door behind him.

A couple of minutes later, Bernie watched Paul's car pull away from the building and drive off into the night. Probably for the first time in his life, he didn't have a clue where the future would eventually take him. But in time he would find out. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day and it was time to get some sleep. He locked the front door, turned out the lights in the living room and the kitchen. For the first time in a very long time, he was going to be able to get a good night's sleep. That, in itself, was a very good start in moving on.

A Man Out Walking His Dog

I have been playing around with what to do with the phrase, "A Man Out Walking His Dog," for some time now. Originally, I was going to write about the things I thought about and realized while I was out walking my Yorkie, Spike, late at night, when the world is still and I can hear myself think.

By necessity, I was up very early this morning to take Spike out. I got a different take on what the title of this posting may also mean. I have been really busy since I returned from Florida about mid December of 2006. A lot has been going on in my life.

With the company I worked for closing down, I have had to figure out what I will do next, to earn a living.

The Holiday Season has been full of shopping and more shopping... of gift-buying and gift-giving... of extending well wishes to our friends and family... of going to parties... of preparing myself for a new year, a new opportunity to get my life back on course or to make a mid-course correction in my life... a time of making things right with people I have wronged... a time when I can momentarily focus on the possibility of peace on Earth, goodwill to men [and women and children and maybe animals.]

And for me, this is a year of saying goodbye to my daughter, Heather, and her husband, Ben, who will leaving for London in a couple of days. They will be moving there for 3 years while they earn their Doctorates. Marilyn and I have been helping them as we can to pack up and move.
It is a time of a little sadness and also a time of great pride for us that they have come as far as they have and that they show great promise of doing even more with their lives.

And of course, while all these other things were going on, we still had the normal stuff to do. Marilyn had to go to work each week. Food had to be cooked and the dishes washed. The trash had to be taken out and the house cleaned. And, of course, I still had to take Spike out for his walks several times a day. Even during the holiday season, life goes on.

So being a man out walking his dog, also means that doing that is part of my routine and something Spike expects me to be doing. Spike has a lot of common sense and he would go out on his own, if I were to let him. But as things are, I have to be there with him. I love the little fellow and that is my responsibility. It is equally my responsibility to go to work and pay the bills and occasionally cook dinner and take out the trash.... I am sure that you see where I am going with this. Walking the dog is part of my routine and my reality. As a man out walking his dog, I am just a person who is just living his life, doing what needs to be done for that day. Necessary, if not terribly exciting stuff.

It is the routines I establish for myself that is at the heart of what I am talking about. Without a routine, my life can become unglued. My routine gives me a sense of context. I have a sense of where I am in any given day and in the course of the week. My routine defines me in my own mind. I have a surer sense of what role I play in my family and in my community. The truth is that most of the things on my calendar are pretty mundane activities, but no less important than the "Really Important" items.

I am a man out walking my dog. I am a man living my life, as productively as I can, from day to day, from week to week and from year to year. If I can continue to do that with a reasonable degree of success, until the day I leave the scene, that will work for me. For now, I am content to remain a man out walking his dog.